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You are here: Home / Archives for Humor

Words of Wisdom

September 22, 2012 By Don

Quickies. . .

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
‘I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.’
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~

( I LOVE THIS ONE! )

My wife and I had words,
But I didn’t get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering. . .
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You’re old enough to know your way
Around, you’re not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
‘With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, ‘Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?’
~~~~~
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us. . .
go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us….pass this on!

Filed Under: Humor

She Is Getting It Right

June 24, 2012 By Don

Senior Lemon Picker Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

The woman applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Obama!”

Filed Under: Humor Tagged With: Coral Springs, Florida, Florida lemon grove, job, matter, school, Senior, Senior Lemon Picker Sally Mullihan, the University of Michigan, University

An Official Announcement-Kind of

October 18, 2011 By David Osgood

 

The image of a condom instead of an eagle is actually almost fitting, just look at what the government is trying to do to us.

Filed Under: Featured Articles, Humor Tagged With: announcement, condom, eagle, government, image

Cajun Jokes

October 5, 2011 By David Osgood

Boudreau was driving down Canal street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of ma life and give up ma White Lightnin’!’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Boudreau looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’
_____________________________________

Father Murphy walks into a bar on Bourbon Street, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied.

‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to Thibodaux and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

Thibodaux said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’

Thibodaux said, ‘Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a bunch together to go right now.’
_________________________________________

Boudreaux was in New Orleans .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Boudreaux still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Boudreaux went over to him and said, ‘Ain’t it ’bout time ya let the Catholics across?’
________________________________________

Boudreaux opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Landry.

‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Boudreaux. ‘They say I died!!’

‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Landry. ‘Where ya callin’ from?’
________________________________________

A Parish priest is driving down to New Orleans from Alexandria and gets stopped for speeding . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’

‘Just water,’ says the priest.

The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’

The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’
________________________________________

Walking into the bar, Boudreaux said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little wife.’

‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’

‘When it was over,’ Boudreaux replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’

‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! ? What did she say?’

She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little coward.’
________________________________________

Devereaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Landry. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Betty Lou.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Devereaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Devereaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Betty Lou staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

Devereaux said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Betty Lou said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ….. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Filed Under: Humor Tagged With: bourbon street, bout time, cajun jokes, cop, heaven, Landry, obituary column, parking, priest, traffic cop

They cannot even run a whore house!

August 14, 2011 By David Osgood

Maxine on the Mustang Ranch

BAIL’EM OUT????

Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch, a brothel in Nevada , for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.. They failed and it closed.
Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same Dumbshits who couldn’t make money running a whore house and selling whiskey?

What the Hell are we thinking?????

Filed Under: Featured Articles, Humor Tagged With: Auto, banking system, brothel, brothel in nevada, Draft, Economy, evasion, law, mustang ranch, Ranch, tax evasion, whore house

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